Toga! Toga! Toga!

Even though I had sworn off livejournal wars, I have entered another.  This new pathetic arguement takes place in Callie's journal - under "friends" - and is mainly because she is brilliant and I wanted to defend her.  I've never met the person I've been arguing with, but in LJ world that doesn't matter at all.  In the real world, I've never met any of the Republican fools currently in office, but that would not stop me from giving them a piece of my mind. 

I actually enjoy the occasional livejournal argument - gives me something to rant about.  Hey, I'm not one to sneer in the face of genuine inspiration.  I'm a writer.

Now this newest argument has actually turned out to be quite amusing for me.  It is a crusade against murder - much like a previous argument I was involved in.  I note it is my own fault other issues became involved.  In my original retort, I pointed out some of the other issues.  My original retort is as follows:

"For one thing, this country was not founded on the 10 commandments. Not everyone in this nation is a Christian. Freedom of religion is guaranteed by the first amendment, and that means freedom of any religion- not just Christian ones.

Secondly, abortion is not the only issue here. This is a man who believes segregation in schools is okay, believes there should be no governmental regulations to protect the environment, and restrict rights of criminal defendants. We've yet to hear his opinions on gay marriage, but I'll take a stab in the dark and say he's against it. This man does not see all the citizens of this country as equals, and neither do his supporters. Last time I checked amendment 15 gives equal rights to ALL citizens of the United States.

And just to touch the abortion issue, I'd like to say that no man should have any say over what I am able to do to my body. I'm sorry to see you are so misinformed about abortion and the women who choose to abort. Many of these women are not able to care for a child, often due to mental or physical illness.
These children would live horrible, misserable lives if left with these people.

I personally am hoping for the Supreme Court to allow gay marriage, abortion, stem cell research, and all the other things that would actually make this country live up to its promise: "Life, Liberty, and the Persuit of Happiness" for ALL citizens."

So, in a rather amusing response, the person angered me again, and I responded again.  Some issues I didn't respond to, mainly to keep the response short.  Since this is my journal I really don't care if this ends up being long. 

I quote, "And surprise- guess what? Men do have say over what you can do with your own body. Suicide is against the law, as is using your body to harm another person. Using your fingers to hack into your company's computer and embezzle money is likewise."
I point out, that's not what I meant.  And it is the laws that have say - not men.  Also, while suicide is against the law, I'd like to see them try and put me in jail for suceeding.  The day a man tries to say he has control over my body is a day he will regret.

And the kid keeps rolling out the offensive carpet.  "Homosexuality is a deathstyle, and I'd love to trade stats back and forth on that sometime."
BRING IT ON, you bastard.  Good to see that a certain close family member of mine and I are both living "deathstyles."  Different reasons, but it's okay.  We didn't want to hurdle through life anyways.  Death is much more promising.  Hopefully the afterlife will contain the certain research and equal rights opportunities we've been searching for.

As if I weren't offended enough for one day, he digs depper: "Final point on your post, why is everyone in favor of embryonic stem cell research if adult stem cell research is just as effective, and often moreso? Does this country just have some sort of strange fetish for the murder of children? At this point it wouldn't surprise me."

Well, as I stated in a previous entry - I'm a proud babykiller, damnit!  Fuck you and your lack of knowledge.  Adult stem cells don't work the same. And fuck you.  Maybe I am sexually aroused by the prospect of killing babies - just like the rest of this fetish infested nation. Fuck you.

And oh yes, he wrote a P.S. "and as a PS: A horrible miserable life is probably better than no life at all, and even if it's not- who are YOU to make that choice for the child."  This stung a little more than all the other comments.  Of course, the author probably knew nothing about my illness, but even so, with the comments I receive from people, this hurt.  As I've discussed before, I frequently get comments that my life has "sucked" or been "miserable."  But the definition of miserable is realative - as is almost everything. (As much as I hate to admit that Rachel and Alex were approaching the right idea when I almost strangled them both - but that's a different story.)

Well, maybe I will get into what determines a horrible, miserable life.  I've lived through some pretty hard stuff, things many people couldn't have survived.  I have not had a horrible or miserable life.  It's been hard, but that's okay with me.  It's going to get harder and that's still okay with me.  And the analogy I'm about to make is probably because I just finished reading the 6th Harry Potter book, but here it is.  I often find myself relating to Harry.  In a sense, I connenct with the "destined to die" thing.  And like Harry has faced Voldemort many times, I have faced my illness head on.  But unlike Harry, I have no magic.  I only have the will to survive.  I have found this will to survive is stronger than anything.  I know if I weren't determined to be strong and beat anything that comes my way I wouldn't still be here.

This past April was the second time I confirmed my own strength could allow me to do anything.  When I should have been in a complete coma from a drug interaction, I was only in a "sedated state."  I fought hard to wake up every few hours to make sure I was still alive.  I fought hard to get out of bed and visit my friends.  I fought hard to go to an advising session so I would be able to sign up for my classes for fall.  I even convinced myself I wasn't tired and that I could walk back to Liz from engineering - and I did it.  I also was determined not to break plans I had made for the next weekend.  And it turned out I kept those plans - and I felt great that whole day.  Three days later I was back in the hospital, but bounced back better than expected from that.  And that was after they gave me an IV antibiotic I am allergic to, one that makes me develop a horrible rash, and another that put me back in a sedated state. But I fought through it.

Last November I realized exactly how strong and effective my powers to fight are.  This is the episode that convinced me I actually am strong, not just hoping to be strong.  Shortly after my appendectomy I woke up, and noted happily that I had lived through the surgery.  Then my next thought was to make sure I could still do double and triple integrals because I had been studying so hard the week before.  After I knew I could do them, I went back to sleep.  The next morning came, and I still don't remember much about that day. I remember being fairly alert when the first person came to see me.  Steve the medical student came in and asked to examine me.  Because I do not like medical students, I said no.  I only agreed when he said he wouldn't touch me.  I lifted the covers to show him the stitches, and he poked my abdomen forcefully.  I hit his arm away and yelled at him to leave.  He protested, but I insisted.  Things are very blurry after this.  I vaguely remember receiving a dose of pain medication I told them not to give me, and after that I remember people insisting I needed to get up and go to the bathroom.  When they tried to sit me up, I fainted for the first time.   After that I remember them taking my blood pressure by hand because it was so low the machine wouldn't read it.  I remember my mom telling me I had to open my eyes and then things going black.  I remember being able to hear, but not really aware of what was going on.  Then the darkest blackness I have ever felt started to come over me.  It started in my toes and was moving slowly toward my head.  I couldn't move my legs, and then it moved faster.  As it approached my head I knew if it took over completely I was done.  It reached my neck when I realized I really had to do something.  As it approached my nose I could see a brightness even though my eyes were shut.  I mentally pushed as hard as I could against the blackness, until it was somewhere down around my knees again.  I decided that after 18 years of fighting CF an appendectomy was not going to kill me.  The blackness went away and I knew I would be okay.  I was going to live because I had literally pushed away death.

After I pushed away the blackness my memories are clearer.  I remember Mom calling Dad and insisting he come down.  She said I looked worse than people she had taken care of in the pulmonary intensive care unit.  I heard Mom fight to get the doctors to see me, I heard my nurse, Anna do everything she could.  She stayed with me until I entered the operating room the  second time, even after my parents left because they couldn't bear to see me like  that.  I heard everything the doctors said, although I didn't have the strength to respond.  I remember my mom getting so upset the next night when I needed another blood transfusion.  She couldn't remember where her car was parked, but I remembered and tried to tell her. Even though I couldn't open my eyes or talk, I kept giving her the thumbs up sign because I knew I would be okay.  I just didn't know it would take more than six months to actually return to "okay." 

After all that, I guess I could say I'm not afraid of anything, but that's not true.  I'm not afraid of death because I've felt it.  I'm not afraid of my illness because all I can do is fight it, and I know how to do that.  I'm afraid of life because I don't know what to expect.  I'm honestly tired of fighting so hard for the things I believe in, but I know I can't give up.  And I'm not planning on it.

Those were my thoughts when I read his response.  He never answered my questions about everyone being human - everyone deserving the same treatment.  I've never gotten a straight answer from anyone on this. I'd like one.